


Love in a Space Dictatorship

by do_it_to_julia



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Attempt at Humor, Awkwardness, Bad Sex, Condoms, Explicit Language, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Incest, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Minor Injuries, Rating May Change, Sex Education, Tenderness, Virgin Armitage Hux, Virgin Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-10-28 09:10:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20776094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/do_it_to_julia/pseuds/do_it_to_julia
Summary: "At ease, Cadets. This educational holofilm is designed to help you navigate the murky and potentially seditious territory of sexual intercourse. By the end, you should be equipped to conduct yourself, and your genitals, in a safe, appropriate, and consensual manner with your fellow First Order citizens. So remember: SAC. Safe. Appropriate. Consensual."Kylo and Hux get some long-overdue instruction.(Spawned from a twitter thread. I might continue this at some point.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Me: I should definitely finish some of my old fics before I start on anything new.  
Also me:

"So," began Dr Varma, as she fixed Kylo and Hux with a careful look. "You, General, have been admitted with a torn frenulum, and you, Supreme Leader, have, completely coincidentally, arrived here at the same time with mild anal tearing. Have I got that right?"

Lying side-by-side in their medbay gurneys, and now dressed in endearingly matching hospital gowns, the two men could only glower at each other with a mixture of shame and resentment. Hux, who was still holding an ice pack to his crotch, was the first to speak up.

"It was my understanding that the Supreme Leader frequented the _auxiliary_ medbay on deck 42," he said, through gritted teeth.

"Isn't this a violation of patient-doctor confidentiality?" Kylo added. He was a little more subdued than he'd usually be. Both of them were on quite strong painkillers.

"You consistently request access to each others' medical files for spurious reasons. This saves time," Varma told them sternly.

At fifty-two years old, she was fast running low on patience, even with people who could conceivably have her killed. But her years acting as chief Medical Officer aboard the _Finalizer_ had taught her that the Supreme Leader and the General let her get away with a lot more than anyone else would. It seemed they both had a strange sort of respect for her.

(And a healthy suspicion that all their embarrassing medical secrets would be leaked to the galaxy if she ever disappeared, of course.)

Kylo and Hux looked at each other for a long moment. Eventually, Kylo murmured, "Yeah, that's fair." Hux just glowered. Varma cleared her throat and continued.

"Supreme Leader," she said. "Am I to imagine that when you - what was it? Oh yes, _accidentally fell backwards onto a water bottle whilst naked - _you were not using any lubricant at the time?"

Hux blinked rapidly. Ren stared at her with dawning realization. "Oh," he said.

Varma couldn't blame them entirely. For some bizarre reason, the First Order's media censorship policies had an extremely prohibitive attitude toward pornography, and she couldn't envision either of them trading for smutty holovids on the ship's black market. Still. "On a _completely unrelated_ subject, may I ask if either of you happened to benefit from the Order's extensive sex education program?"

"The expensive what now?" slurred Kylo. Hux, who seemed not to have been hit so hard by the pain meds, went a few shades redder.

"I - never quite got around to it," he said. "Also my father narrated those holovids. So..."

"So neither of you have any idea of what you were doing," finished Varma, unamused.

"Mas- Skywalker gave me the talk on it," Ren muttered. "But it didn't cover, like..." He looked at Hux. "Gay stuff. Just... regular stuff. And how to make sure the person you're about to bone isn't related to you. I dunno why he talked about that so much. I d- oh _Force_. Oh shit."

"Yes, didn't Skywalker and your mother meet before they knew they were siblings?" Hux said, a little spitefully, as Kylo put his face in his hands and groaned.

"Well," the doctor clipped, ignoring Kylo's mounting despair, "You'll be pleased to know, General, that our program has been somewhat updated since your father's efforts. And about time, too. The original versions were... a little disturbing." She moved to grab a small equipment trolley, wheeling it in front of both beds, and activated the holo-emitter on top. A paused, miniature version of Varma popped up - a little younger, and wearing her officer's uniform rather than her medical scrubs. Hux balked at it.

"You're surely not suggesting we watch this now? Ky- Supreme Leader Ren hasn't even uncovered his eyes yet."

"Well, I respectfully suggest that Supreme Leader Ren finishes being horrified later, because apparently this is long-overdue. And you're not exactly going anywhere while the bacta patches are still on. So." Varma clicked 'play'. "Enjoy."

As the real Varma left the room, a fluttering First Order banner appeared behind her holographic equivalent. Ren dragged his hands away from his face as the doctor began to speak.

"_At ease, cadets_," she said. "_This educational holofilm is designed to help you navigate the murky and potentially seditious territory of sexual intercourse. By the end, you should be equipped to conduct yourself, and your genitals, in a safe, appropriate, and consensual manner with your fellow First Order citizens. So remember: SAC. Safe. Appropriate. Consensual._"

"Hur. Sac," giggled Ren. General Hux, still sinking into his bed with embarrassment, shushed him. A 3D population graph appeared in place of the banner. Varma continued.

"_While citizens were previously discouraged from pursuing non-procreative sexual activity due to our Population Growth Initiative, we now realize that placing these restraints on your sexual behaviour can cause issues such as frustration_-"

The scene changed to footage of a strikingly familiar masked warrior destroying a console with his lightsaber. Kylo bristled.

"Who made this holovid...?"

"- _distraction_-" came Varma's voice, as the image switched to what looked like a high-angled security feed: on the holo, a female officer tripped over gym equipment as Phasma walked past her.

"- _and disruptive behaviour whilst on duty_."

Another change of scene - this time, a still image, depicting a young officer being bent over a console by an older Captain, both wide-eyed and clearly in the middle of something highly unprofessional. Hux peered.

"Is that _Mitaka_?" he said.

"_The following three hours will instruct you in how to avoid these pitfalls by selecting, and performing intercourse with, a partner or partners of your choice, how to use a variety of_ c_ontraceptive devices, how to tell if your prospective sexual partner is a nonhuman or an enemy spy, and how to ensure that your sexual activities are conducted in a manner than benefits the First Order as a whole._

_"Remember, cadets: SAC. Safe. Appropriate. Consensual. This_ _catchy song will..._"

"Oh Force. There are _songs_," moaned Kylo.

"So this is happening, then," Hux said resignedly.

"Uh-huh," Kylo managed, as the chirpy music set in. The two of them watched in silence for a few more moments.

"I hate you," said Hux, at length, his voice low and gravelly and resentful. Kylo nodded mournfully.

"I know."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will I keep adding chapters to this while avoiding my real life responsibilities? Who knows?!

"What I don't get," Kylo slurred quietly, as he and Hux were busily rolling condoms over anatomically appropriate vegetables on Varma's recommendation, "Is how YOU came out of this with a torn frendulum."

"Frenulum, Ren." Hux had now managed to prop himself up in his bed; the thin medbay blankets were gathered modestly over his bacta-patched groin.

Apparently the procedure had "gone very well." He might actually "not require any additional surgery". These were all very encouraging things to hear about your penis.

"Frenlunum. Whatever," said Kylo. "I mean I can understand why I got butthole sprain. I don't understand stand why you got... like... dick sprain. Not like it was big enough to get stuck."

"Putting aside the fact that it absolutely _is_ and you know it is and you're only saying that because we've established beyond doubt that mine is bigger," said Hux - and then he paused because the long run-on sentence had made him lose track of his thoughts. Those medbay sedatives were good stuff.

"I have more _girth_," replied Kylo, making an illustrative (and vastly overoptimistic) gesture with both hands. "And length doesn't count. It just doesn't, Hux. Errybody knows that."

"Shut up. It - I don't remember what I was talking about."

"Dick sprain."

"Right. Dick sprain," Hux repeated authoritatively. "Well I think when. Actually that's a good point. Maybe I have traumatic amnesia about the whole thing."

"You tore your frenulum when Supreme Leader Kylo Ren started shouting and you tried to pull out but ended up falling partway off the bed instead," said the bored-sounding nurse in the corner as she scrolled idly down her datapad.

"That's right," said Hux. "Thank you." He squinted at her. He tried to work out what was odd about her presence and why he had the feeling it was a Very Bad Thing.

"Ren," he whispered in what he hoped was a subtle tone but absolutely was not, "we are probably going to need to kill that nurse."

"What?" Kylo looked up blearily. "Sorry, I was trying to remember the words to that song about fisting."

"Tuck - in - your thumb, before you put it - up - a bum...?" sang Hux haltingly, with the increasing realization that those weren't actually the words but a dogged determination to keep going anyway. Luckily, his thoughts were interrupted when a med droid wheeled in.

"Are the Supreme Leader and the General ready to be transferred out of the post-operative suite?" it asked in friendly, metallic tones. The nurse glanced over at Kylo, who was inspecting one of the condoms and musing verbally about whether you could get them in "lightsaber colours".

"No, they're still coming out of sedation. They probably won't remember any of this," she said tiredly.

"If we're not going to remember, why are we doing this..." Hux grasped for words. "Penis vegetables thing."

"It's to stop you arguing," came the weary response.

"Righto," said Hux cheerfully. He opened another condom packet.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably stop writing these but I am absolutely not going to.

"Right," said Hux. "We're going to do it properly this time."

They had, as instructed, waited an entire week before trying 'any kind of sexual activity'. Neither had yet recalled their candid exchange in front of the nurse in the recovery room, which was probably a good thing.

The lights were low, the bed was made, and Kylo still hadn't managed to source condoms that were both red _and_ glowed in the dark, but aside from that, everything was set.

Kylo was sitting on the bed. He was naked already. His erection hadn't made an appearance yet, probably because he was nervous. But he was fairly sure his penis wouldn't let him down. It never had before, unless you counted that one time where he got a boner in the middle of that lesson with Master Luke and then Master Luke had sat him down and explained awkwardly that if Ben ever _did_ decide to have sex with a woman, he should definitely make sure she wasn't related to him first.

(These thoughts were not helping.)

Hux looked over his checklist one more time. Apparently satisfied, he set about stripping off his clothes; neat and methodical as always, and making sure that each item was folded or hung in the correct way as he went. Kylo watched him.

Obviously, he found it sexy. But not like striptease sexy. More like "That is _such_ a Hux thing to do" sexy. He wondered if it would be rude to start touching himself. It would help the dick situation, but it might not help the getting-the-dick-into-Hux situation, which ultimately was the point.

Finally, once his socks and underwear were dispensed with (who knew you could fold _socks?_), Hux sat down opposite Kylo on the bed.

"I suggest we stick exactly to the plan. You prepare me with your fingers and then penetrate me while I'm on all fours, which is of course the easiest position. Don't forget to wear a barrier and use ample lubricant. I brought three extra bottles to cover all contingencies."

Kylo nodded slowly. Hux cleared his throat and then moved onto his hands and knees, his butt on full view. Kylo glanced down at his own groin with a silent _hurry up, Saber Two, I'm counting on you _and then covered his fingers in lube.

"Crap," he murmured.

"What?"

"I... ugh. I think I got some on the bedsheets."

"That's why we have the towel, Ren," Hux snapped. "Why are you not using the towel?"

"I didn't think we'd need the towel."

"Well, we obviously _did_ need the towel, because now there's lubricant on my bedsheets and the laundry droid is going to judge me."

Kylo decided not to argue this point, because something else was bothering him more.

"Hux. You... sound kind of tense."

"Of course I'm tense!" Hux whipped his head round to look at him. "I'm about to be anally penetrated for the first time by a man whose penis is only slightly thinner than my own wrist."

Kylo frowned, despite the implicit compliment.

"We should be more relaxed for this," he said.

Hux sighed. His spine sagged, accentuating the curve of his rear. Which did get the attention of Kylo's penis, slightly, but Kylo felt that the moment had passed.

"You're right," the General replied. He leant down on his elbows for a moment before rolling onto his back. "Do you want a drink?"

Two hours later, the lube bottles and the towel lay forgotten beside them. Hux and Kylo were lounging naked with a datapad between them, flushed and tipsy and laughing uproariously.

"Okay. Okay. What about Peavey?" Kylo said. "Come on, you _hate_ that guy."

"I can't," Hux managed. "Kylo, no! It's so unprofessional."

"No, look, just - it's easy. You have the highest clearance in the fleet. Just go into his medical records and put that he has Bothan Nether Rot."

"Kylo!"

"Alright, just put that he has a funny-looking penis or something. Wait, no. Put it in his service record so High Command sees it." Ren started giggling, reached for the datapad. "I'll do it if you won't."

"No!" Hux cackled, moving to grab it before Kylo could. Their hands touched, and the laughter faded as their eyes met in turn. They were clearly having a Moment, made only slightly weirder by the fact they were already both nude.

"Speaking of penises..." Hux said haltingly.

Kylo had a brief moment of alcohol-related worry before glancing down to check on Saber Two. He was pleased to see that it had perked up at the hand-touching, so it would hopefully remain operational for whatever came next.

Still, Hux's own expression of worry - which didn't seem to be dick-related - gave Kylo pause. He hesitated for a few moments.

"You know we... don't have to do anal, right?" he said finally.

This only seemed to make Hux worry more. "Oh," he said, and swallowed. "I see. Is it - Did I put you off?"

"No! Kriff, no, Hux. It's just... I'm okay with doing other stuff. For now, or for... always. Whatever. I just like being with you."

Hux had the uncertain, softening expression of a man who had never heard those words before. Or at least not directed at him.

"I like being with you too," he replied, voice croaking.

This, Kylo reflected, seemed like a good time to lean in and kiss Hux. So he did. It was all very romantic up until the point Hux pulled away and said, "Do you maybe want to try sucking each other off at the same time?"

But Kylo had never really been the romantic type anyway.

"Yes," he said. "Absolutely."


End file.
